WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by Emily Perl Kingsley. c1987 All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... ... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Cats, Dogs and Asperger's Syndrome

By Mad Misha

Cats, dogs and Asperger’s Syndrome
Written by a parent to an 8 year old girl with Asperger's Syndrome

Imagine for a moment a person who has grown up in a family where they only ever had pet dogs.  Their friends and neighbours had pet dogs… all different breeds, colours and temperaments, but still, fundamentally…. dogs.  They all went to the dog park together every afternoon and always had a raucously good time.  They had never, ever, ever seen a cat.  Not once.

Then one day they stumble upon an adorable looking creature that is cute, furry, has a black wet nose, four paws and whiskers and for all intents and purposes, looks exactly like the type of friendly, willing to please dog they had known and loved all their lives.  Its tail is waving to and fro in what is perceived to be a welcoming gesture so they go over, ruffle up its soft fur and attempt to roll it over to scratch its belly, anticipating their affectionate gesture will be delightfully received.  Only it’s not a dog, it’s a cat, and their interaction is interpreted very differently.  Lets just say, fur will fly… and it will fly furiously.

Welcome to the world of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome.  A solitary cat, surviving in a room full of boisterous dogs.  Its every move being analysed, interpreted and modified based on the framework of rules, behavioural patterns and ingrained habits of the canine species.  And as a result, being disastrously misunderstood.

Dogs wag their tails as a sign of happiness and anticipation of social interaction.  Cats swish their tails as a warning to back off and give them much needed space.  Dogs always welcome affection in whatever way it is offered to them.  Cats will also offer heartfelt affection but it needs to on their terms, at a time that suits them.  Sometimes they just need to be left alone. Dogs depend on your approval for their emotional wellbeing.  Cats depend on certain things being in place in a routine that they can depend on, and will then reward your reliability with their unwavering friendship.

Dogs are inherently social.  They are pack animals with deeply entrenched hierarchical rules of canine society and as a result are desperately eager to please, and occasionally challenge, the pack leader.  As puppies, they will romp and play delightedly with their littermates until they fall into an exhausted, but happy heap on top of each other at the end of the day.  They rarely turn down an offer of affection and will warmly greet their family with furry hugs and sloppy kisses when they get home.

On the surface, cats may seem more aloof, but cat lovers around the world will be quick to tell you they are always keenly observing every detail and will reward those who take the time to understand them with warmth, affection, loyalty and love.  Dogs are less discriminating in whom they shower with their boundless love, and this is part of their universal appeal, but it is a trait that cats simply don’t understand … or tolerate.  Their love needs to be earned.

Dogs enthusiastically learn new tricks and are keen to show them off to gain further approval.  Cats have extraordinary agility and mysterious extra-sensory skills… but will only display them when the circumstances dictate they are necessary.  They need to be coaxed out and encouraged or will remain hidden forever.

Cats may not always look you in the eye, but they can see straight into your soul and will quietly commune with you while you process the problems of your world.   Dogs will sense your unhappiness but may not fully understand it, so will entice you to capture some of their perpetual joy by grabbing their lead and making you take them for a walk to cheer you up.  Their destination may be the same … but their journey could not be more different.

If you whistle for a cat to come to you, try to wrangle a leash onto its collar, drag it outside for a walk and hope it will thank you for letting it romp around the dog park …then you are both doomed to crumple in a heap of confused despair. Simply said, cats are wired differently to dogs.  They are not better or worse. Just different.

So if you want to understand my child with Asperger’s Syndrome, try to think of her as a cat in a room full of dogs, and you will be a lot closer to coaxing out her unique gifts, helping her understand social behavior that she may otherwise find bewildering, and maybe in time her gorgeous, eager to please peers will gain a greater appreciation of the grace, beauty and uniqueness that bestows her, just like her feline doppelgänger.

My Declaration of Self-Esteem I AM ME

by Virginia Satir

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically me

Because I alone chose it - I own everything about me

My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,

Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fanatasies,

My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and

Successes, all my failures and mistakes

Because I own all of Me,

I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing

I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -I know

There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other

Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am

Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously

And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles

And for ways to find out more about me -

However I Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever

I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically Me -

If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought

And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is

Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that

Which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be

Productive to make sense and order out of the world of

People and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me and

I AM OKAY